MMR Domestic Violence Podcast

This is a recording of our panel discussion held after we screened the film 'LoveStruck' at The Old Liberty Theater in Ridgefield, Washington. The film is available (link) in three parts on youtube for free.


We are so fortunate to have resources like the Pathways to Healing Program through the Cowlitz Indian Tribe and the SafeChoice Domestic Violence Program at the YWCA. Our three guest speakers educated us about these programs and the challenges that people experiencing domestic violence face. I wish that we had a larger audience for their important message but perhaps you will note this information and share with people who may need it. 

Love/Struck is available to view for free on YouTube. It is 3 short films. Even if you personally have not experienced domestic violence, it is worth your time to understand how it happens and how it may be impacting the people around you. Check back at https://crisiscycling.blogspot.com/ for the audio version of the post film conversation, it should be posted later this week. To see a written synopsis by Rheta Rubenstein, see the attachment below. 

For next month on the 27th, we have an excellent, thought provoking film "In Pursuit of Silence". You will never think of noise the same way again! Our guest speaker is my dad, Paul Donavan, ScD. He is the Secretary General of the International Institute of Noise Control Engineers and will be reporting on field measurements of noise around Ridgefield. We are also looking for speakers from the world of meditation and wildlife biologists to round out the discussion.

NOTES

Love/Struck

Meaningful Movies in Ridgefield

2019 10 23

Notes from Film

Love/Struck is a documentary of interviews related to domestic violence (DV).  

Voices of adult survivors:

• I could black out as a survival mechanism.  I could live and suffer.
• He was the income provider.  He was very controlling. If he made me angry, then I could be the initiator.  I didn’t know better. I thought that’s how relationships work.
• He’d tell me how to dress.  I did not know it was DV. I had other friends who experienced similar things so I thought it was normal.
• You don’t realize until you get to a point of no return
• [male victim]: Given the general perception that victims are women, will a 12 year old boy come forward?
• I blamed myself.
• I lost my friends because he was my whole life.
• I overlooked the bad because I loved him so much.
• Even years after I left, feelings would come up again.
• You love someone but not their behavior.  If you leave, you leave both, even though it is only the behavior you wish would change. “I want the violence to stop; I don't want to lose him.”
• When you are scared and in that moment, there is no right answer.
• You never fully leave. A part of you is still there.
• I thought, ‘I am strong and I am smart.  I can change him.’

Voices of perpetrators:

• I thought I was like the heroes in black exploitation films.
• I did not realize what I was doing was wrong; I thought that was how relationships were.
• I do things I don’t like myself for doing.

Voices of youth:

• My Dad was himself a childhood abuse survivor.
• The raft trip (at camp) was the most memorable experience.
• [Camp Hope]  I came the first year, the next year my brother came, the third year both my brother and sister came.  It was good for all of us.

Voices of support persons (social workers, researchers, psychologists, support persons at shelters, etc.)

• The study of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) shows that ACEs reap impacts across a person’s life. If we want to end domestic violence, we need to work against the root causes. 
• An 8 year old cannot run away. If abuse is at the hands of a significant member of society, then a child is not believed.  (“You imagined/dreamt it.”)
• DV escalates gradually.  People become isolated from their friends and support system.
• Class doesn’t matter.  Perpetrator can be business executive, athlete, professor, white, black, native American, rich, poor, male or female.
• [Camp Hope director, former prosecutor]:  We are never going to prosecute our way out of this problem.  These are not kids who are in trouble; these are troubled kids.
• There is internalized rage.
• Child victims must be told their response is normal.  “You are having a normal reaction to intense stress.”
• A child may not have language to say what happened, especially for sexual abuse.
• People married or got together for a reason.  There is/was something attractive, caring in that person before or sometimes now. Outsiders say, just walk away.  It is not that simple.  
• Latinx fear ICE, language barrier, discrimination.  They are very reluctant to report.
• If a man attempts to strangle a woman, he is highly likely to try to kill her another time.
• Don’t be sorry, help! Don’t be a short-term helper.  Hang in.
• Men who strangle have very high trauma (ACE) scores.
• Shelter is just a very small first step.
• There need to be resources before shelter, to be ready to leave.
• [Camp Hope director] We pay $50K per year to incarcerate someone in CA.  This 1 week camp plus follow-up year-round support for kids costs $1000-1500 per year per child.
• The problem is intergenerational.

Other:

• Social workers teach about healthy relationships, unhealthy relationships, abusive relationships.  Last distinction is related to frequency of hitting or worse. Boundaries are important.
• There were intermittent data facts.  A few: There are 20,000 calls daily to domestic violence hot-lines in the US.  30-60% of children in abusive homes suffer abuse themselves. Men who strangle are 800 times more likely to kill than those who do not.
• There were stories of police saying extraordinarily inappropriate things. [“This house is too clean for there to be DV here.”]

Community Conversation

Guest Speakers:

Karyn Kameroff is an enrolled member of the Choctaw Nation of Oklahoma. She is currently the Community Coordinator for Pathways to Healing, a program with the Cowlitz Indian Tribe providing services to victims of crime. 

Kacee Cohen is the Director of the SafeChoice Domestic Violence Program at the YWCA Clark County

Ana Sifuentes is the Bilingual Outreach Specialist and Legal Clinic Coordinator for the SafeChoice Domestic Violence Program at the YWCA Clark County

Quick notes of the evening:

Chris Dudley, moderator, asked for initial reactions.

Karyn said that four of five native American women experience violence, including Karyn who, with her son, is a 21-year survivor.  This is an epidemic. She said the film was spot on. Soon one of her organizations will roll out an effort to locate missing and murdered children.  Even though the program is not yet official, two families have already been in touch.

Ana said it was hard to watch.  It is very difficult to leave one of these relationships.  There are many reasons to stay. And once someone leaves, it gets harder before it gets better.  And going back is worse than not having left. There are barriers – you need resources to support yourself and your kids.  

Chris recommended a powerful podcast that explained why it is so hard to leave.

One audience member told a painful personal story.  Among other things the police caused more trauma. And they lied to her that she would be required to pay an extraordinary sum to get a rape kit run for a child.  Karyn explained this is nonsense. Victims do not need to pay. Get in touch with Children’s Justice Center.

Another participant said that not being believed is very hard.  It takes great courage to speak up.

Megan asked for participants to explain their programs.  

SafeChoice at YWCA has a large array of services for people who have experienced past or current violence.  These include social services, an emergency shelter, support groups, 24-7 hot-line, legal support, family law services, bilingual advocates, advocacy for LGBTQ people, re-entry programs.  They meet the survivor where they are and address their priorities.

Pathways to Healing provides services to persons who are themselves in a federally recognized tribe or in a family with someone who is.  These include transitional housing, days of healing, therapists, the full spectrum of medicine wheel practices for healing and prevention.  They are currently providing training for Ilani employees to learn to identify signs of trafficking and violence. They provide 24-hr public safety officers at the casino.

Suggestions for talking to someone in DV situation:

How are you doing?  Do you want to talk?  Offer information but in a way that it won’t be discovered by the partner at home.  Contact a program that works with survivors. Don’t abandon your friend. Stick with them.  Try to get help, if possible, before the situation is dire. With early intervention people can set up a secret bank account, find housing, change job locations, and then walk away. 

One participant asked about training police.  

Vancouver recently got a large grant to work on this.  Karyn attended some police conferences which was challenging but valuable.  Attendees included judges and prosecutors. There were knowledgeable facilitators, but in small group work, some officer’s poor attitudes were revealed.  It was an opportunity to get her program known. The goal was for officers to enforce the laws but still be supportive of survivors.  

Panelist said that despite her doing this work for years, there is so much to still learn.  The SafeChoice staff come to police roll calls and explain services the Y provides. There is a chance for officers to ask Qs.  Their awareness is being increased.

There was a Q re ICE.  This is a very real and legitimate fear in Latinx community.  People do not want to call the police. Instead they call family, friends, church members.  

Another Q was about schools.  Panelist encouraged schools to partner with agency staff.  Converse. Explore what would be supportive for faculty. Problem solve jointly after listening to the teachers.  The Y can make presentations at schools. They even have prevention programs for teens and pre-teens. Teachers need to understand that trauma looks and manifests differently for different children.  We need to look at root causes. Teachers need to be educated about ACEs. They need to be aware that even school activities may trigger past trauma. 

Karyn noted that Restorative Justice is based on indigenous values and practices – not linear, but communal, with elders, aiming to rebuild relationships, without shame, and accountability that is relevant to the issue.  For example see the Mississippi Band of Choctaw Indians PeaceMaker Court. https://www.choctaw.org/government/court/peace.html

Why has DV increased?  Our society is predicated on power and oppression, We need to break the cycle.  Police, legal system, educators, all need to be educated and become partners. We all need awareness of our emotions and strategies to calm ourselves down.  We need to support whole communities – parents, children, extended families. We need to be aware of language and how it affects behavior.

“Hurt people hurt people.”  It is easier to hurt others when you feel disconnected.

Brené Brown is a suggested resource.  See her TED talks and other resources online.

See also Casey Gwinn, Hope Rising.

How do community members learn to hold one another accountable (families, classrooms, work places)? What can I do for my family or for you to help make things right?  We need to think of community, not just individuals.

Social media support gender violence.  Call out inappropriate behavior, but not so that people shut down.