Saying Thank You Sucks

If I give you an apple, and the apples are amazing up here in Washington State so the gift would be delicious, but if I gave you an apple I would not expect a 'thank you' back.

If my expectation from giving a gift is that I'll get a 'thank you' from the receiver of the gift, then it's not really a gift. It's a burden, isn't it? I want something back from you.

If I give you something and demand something in return then between us I have created a market exchange. In a way, I have monetized our friendship.

If I am upset until I get my 'thank you' from you, or if I don't get it, then our relationship has changed. I will remember that you did not say thank you. I won't think about how great that apple must have tasted, the joy it brought you, or the sustenance I gave you.

I've burdened myself and you with an expectation.

Of course, it's not much of a burden. It's easy enough to say thank you, right?

Not for children. We practically have to beat it out of them. For years we talk about the 'magic words' of 'please' and 'thank you'. Strangers feel justified in 'teaching' our children this rote exercise of relationship economics. It takes years before our children finally start volunteering the expected sentiment without prompting.

It's easier to teach your child the ABC's than to teach them to say 'thank you'.

And when they do start saying 'thank you' it's most often just a thoughtless soundbite, less meaningful and less honest than if they'd handed you money for the gift.

Why is it so difficult for a child to learn to say 'thank you'? Maybe it's because the child has to learn the much more difficult, disquieting oxymoron that gifts are not really gifts. The child has to teach their brain the building blocks of cognitive dissonance, that something freely given is not free at all, that it comes at a cost.

The child learning to say thank you is learning our cultural paradigm, that a lie is the truth, and the truth is a lie.

Demanding that our children say 'thank you' teaches them to not listen to their own, better selves.  It teaches them that friendship and family are defined by barter and not love.

What we're really doing is teaching our children the language of monetized humanity. We demand of our children the language of our oppressor, the mindless, dissonant culture of greed and destruction we are leaving them.

We teach them to not listen to themselves.

Why do I give a gift to my boy, then, if my first expectation is that he say 'thank you' immediately? Why can't I be satisfied that his giant smile, his jumping up and down, and that his obvious excitement are 'thank you' enough? Because the gift was never about him, right? It was about his acknowledging to me that I gave him something. If that last sentence is not true, then I won't even notice whether he says 'thank you' or not. I'll just enjoy his joy.

And, if I ever give you an apple, rest assured, it will be freely given.